The Ultimate Animal Joke Book Read online

The Ultimate Animal Joke Book

  boundless laughs on the animals behalf!

  Matthew Grant

  Copyright © 2015 by Daturian Press

  Get more hilarious joke books and other products at

  https://daturianpublishing.com/

  Why I Wrote This Book

  I wrote this book because I wanted to provide an e-book full of hilarious jokes free of charge. For everyone deserves to have a laugh whenever they want too .

  Question: Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

  Answer: To get a mini soda!

  Question: Where do orcas hear music?

  Answer: Orca-stras!

  Question: Why did the cow cross the road?

  Answer: To get to the udder side.

 

  Question: What do you call a fish without an eye?

  Answer: Fsh!

  Question: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

  Answer: Take the words out of his mouth!

  Question: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

  Answer: A chili dog on a bun.

  Question: Why do fish live in salt water?

  Answer: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

  Question: Where do mice park their boats?

  Answer: At the hickory dickory dock.

  Question: Where did the sheep go on vacation?

  Answer: The baaaahamas

  Question: What do you call a thieving alligator?

  Answer: A crookodile

  Question: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

  Answer: A watch dog.

  Question: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

  Answer: A lawn moo-er.

  Question: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

  Answer: Lilly.

  Question: How does a dog stop a video?

  Answer: He presses the paws button.

  Question: Why do cows go to New York?

  Answer: To see the moosicals!

  Question: Why shouldn't you rape a tree?

  Answer: There might be a chipmunk in there looking for nuts.

  Question: Why don't chipmunks wear skinny jeans?

  Answer: Because their nuts won't fit.

  Question: Why did the chipmunk take apart the classic car?

  Answer: To get down to the nuts and bolts.

  Question: Why couldn't the chipmunk eat the macadamia nut?

  Answer: It was one tough nut to crack.

  Question: What do you call 144 chipmunks in a box?

  Answer: Gross!

  Question: How do you catch a carpenter chipmunk?

  Answer: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.

  Question: How do you catch a chipmunk interested in ornithology?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch

  Question: How do you catch a Polynesian chipmunk?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

  Question: How can you catch a gay chipmunk?

  Answer: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond.

  Question: How do you catch a chipmunk with a Pamela Anderson fixation?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.

  Question: How do you catch a mechanically inclined chipmunk?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16 12N nut.

  Question: How do you catch a chipmunk for the holidays?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.

  Question: How do you catch an Irish chipmunk?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.

  Question: How do you catch a European Squirrel?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut.

  Question: How do you catch an English Squirrel?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like nutty.

  Question: How do you catch a rich chipmunk?

  Answer: Climb a tree and act like a cashew. 

  Question: What do you call lending money to a bison?

  Answer: A buff-a-loan

  Question: What is the snake’s favorite subject?

  Answer: Hiss-story

  Question: What is black ,white and red all over?

  Answer: A sunburnt penguin!

  Question: Why does a dog wag its tail?

  Answer: Because there’s no one else to wag it for him.

  Question: What is a cat’s favorite movie?

  Answer: The sound of Mew-sic!

  Question: How do you make a goldfish old?

  Answer: Take away the g!

  Question: Why did the lamb cross the road?

  Answer: To get to the baaaaarber shop!

  Question: How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

  Answer: Squeaky clean!

  Question: What has four legs and goes “Oom, Oom”?

  Answer: A cow walking backwards!

  Question: Where do you put barking dogs?

  Answer: In a barking lot.

  Question: What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for dangerous driving?

  Answer: A road hog.

  Question: What is a cheetahs favourite food?

  Answer: Fast food!

  Question: What does a cat say when somebody steps onits tail?

  Answer: Me-ow!

  Question: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

  Answer: A gummy bear!

  Question: Why did the dog cross the road twice?

  Answer: He was trying to fetch a boomerang!

  Question: What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

  Answer: Its shadow!

  Question: What do you call a pig who knows karate?

  Answer: Porkchop!

  Question: Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

  Answer: In his trunk!

  Question: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

  Answer: None, because they were copycats!

  Question: Which day do fish hate?

  Answer: Fryday!

  Question: What do you call a cow in a tornado?

  Answer: A milkshake!

  Question: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

  Answer: Nothing, peanuts don’t talk.

  Question: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

  Answer: No I deer!

  Question: Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

  Answer: Because of the bark!

  Question: How are elephants and trees alike?

  Answer: They both have trunks!

  Question: What do you call an exploding monkey?

  Answer: A baboom!

  Question: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

  Answer: Stuck!

  Question: What do you call a sleeping bull?

  Answer: A bulldozer!

  Question: How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

  Answer: Put him in the front seat.

  Question: What is the difference between a car and a bull?

  Answer: A car only has one horn.

  Question: What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

  Answer: Do you want to grab a bite?

  Question: What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

  Answer: Time to get a new bed!

  Question: Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

  Answer: Anywhere it wants to!

  Question: What was the first animal in space?

  Answer: The cow that jumped over the moon!

  Question: What do you get when you plant a frog?

  Answer: A cr-oak tree.

  Question: What is the quietest kind of a dog?

  Answer: A hush puppy.

  Question: How is a dog l
ike a telephone?

  Answer: It has a collar I.D.

  Question: Why do cows wear bells?

  Answer: Because their horns don’t work.

  Question: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

  Answer: Take away his credit card!

  Question: Why do you bring fish to a party?

  Answer: Because it goes good with chips.

  Question: What would happen if pigs could fly?

  Answer: The price of bacon would go up.

  Question: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

  Answer: Take away his shovel!

  Question: What did the frog say when he heard “time flies when you are having fun?”

  Answer: Time is fun when you’re having flies!

  Question: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

  Answer: It gave a little wine!

  Question: Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colours?

  Answer: To hide in a bag of M&M’s.

  Question: How do you catch a squirrel?

  Answer: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

  Question: Where do fish keep their money?

  Answer: In a river bank!

  Question: What did one cow say to the other?

  Answer: Mooooooove over!

  Question: What kind of cat should you never play games with?

  Answer: A cheetah!

  Question: Why did the turtle cross the road?

  Answer: To get to the shell station.

  Question: What is black and white and red all over?

  Answer: A skunk with a rash.

  Question: What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

  Answer: Five after one.

  Question: What do whales eat?

  Answer: Fish and ships.

  Question: What part of a fish weighs the most?

  Answer: The scales.

  Question: What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

  Answer: A tyrannosauraus wreck!

  Question: What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

  Answer: The banana split!

  Question: What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?

  Answer: You can’t tuna fish.

  Question: What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

  Answer: Anything you like, he can’t hear you.

  Question: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

  Answer: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

  Question: How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

  Answer: With flood lighting.

  Question: What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

  Answer: With a cowculator.

  Question: What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

  Answer: An udder failure.

  Question: Why did the cow cross the road?

  Answer: Because the chicken was on vacation.

  Question: What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

  Answer: As far away as possible.

  Question: What did the sardine call the submarine?

  Answer: A can of people.

  Question: What fish only swims at night?

  Answer: A starfish.

  Question: Why did the elephant leave the circus?

  Answer: He was tired of working for peanuts.

  Question: What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

  Answer: A woolen jumper!

  Client: “Do you have alligator shoes?”

  Storeperson: “Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?”

  Question: What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

  Answer: Glass flippers.

  Question: Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

  Answer: Catfish

  Question: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

  Answer: He felt funny.

  Question: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

  Answer: A phew.

  Question: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

  Answer: He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.

  Question: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

  Answer: Plug its nose.

  Question: What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

  Answer: A mouse on vacation.

  Question: What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

  Answer: Sir.

  Question: What’s black and white and red all over?

  Answer: A blushing zebra.

  Question: What is a cow’s favourite place?

  Answer: The mooseum.

  Question: What do fish take to stay healthy?

  Answer: Vitamin sea.

  Question: What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

  Answer: Decalfinated!

  Question: What do you call a mad elephant?

  Answer: An earthquake.

  Question: What is a shark’s favourite sandwich?

  Answer: Peanut butter and jellyfish.

  Question: Where are sharks from?

  Answer: Finland.

  Question: What is King Arthur’s favourite fish?

  Answer: A swordfish

  Question: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

  Answer: He made an illegal ewe turn.

  Question: What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

  Answer: A coat of arms.

  Question: What kind of dog always runs a fever?

  Answer: A hot dog!

  Question: What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

  Answer: Bison!

  Question: What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

  Answer: A cow on a skateboard.

  Question: Why don’t bears wear shoes?

  Answer: What’s the use; they’d still have bear feet!

  Question: What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

  Answer: A shampoodle!

  Question: What does a calf become after its 1 year old?

  Answer: 2 years old.

  Question: How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

  Answer: There are footprints in the butter.

  Question: Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

  Answer: Because his feet stink!

  Question: What’s a dog’s favourite food for breakfast?

  Answer: Pooched eggs.

  Question: What do you give a pig with a rash?

  Answer: Oinkment.

  Question: What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

  Answer: Use a pen.

  Question: What are black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

  Answer: Three skunks fighting over a pickle!

  Question: What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

  Answer: A computer mouse.

  Question: What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

  Answer: A watch dog.

  Question: What pine has the longest needles?

  Answer: A porcupine.

  Question: What’s worse than a centipede with athlete’s foot?

  Answer: A porcupine with split ends!

  Question: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

  Answer: The chicken wasn’t around yet.

  Question: What kind of cars do cats drive?

  Answer: Catillacs!

  Question: What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

  Answer: A buck.

  Question: What’s a frog’s favorite drink?

  Answer: Croak-a-cola.

  Question: What’s an alligator’s favorite drink?

  Answer: Gator-Ade.

  Question: What do you call snake with no clothes on?

  Answer: Snaked.

  Question: What did the dog say to the flea?

  Answer: Stop bugging me!

  Question: Where do cows go on Saturday night?

  Answer: To the mooooooovies.

  Question: Wh
at do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

  Answer: A try and try and try-ceratops!

  Question: What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

  Answer: A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.

  Question: What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

  Answer: A kitten.

  Question: Who makes dinosaur clothes?

  Answer: A dino-sewer.

  Question: What did the snail say when he got on the turtle’s shell?

  Answer: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  Question: Where do sheep get their hair cut?

  Answer: At the baa-baa shop.

  Question: Why can’t hippos ride bicycles?

  Answer: Bike helmets don’t fit hippos!

  Question: What’s a puppy’s favorite kind of pizza?

  Answer: Pupperoni.