The Ultimate Animal Joke Book Read online

  Question: What’s black and white and red all over?

  Answer: A sunburnt zebra.

  Question: What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

  Answer: The police had to comb the area.

  Question: What do camels use to hide themselves?

  Answer: Camelflauge!

  Question: What do you call a messy hippo?

  Answer: A hippopota-mess!

  Question: What do you call a cow that twitches?

  Answer: Beef jerky

  Question: What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

  Answer: Is that you mommy?

  Question: What is a lion’s favorite state?

  Answer: Maine

  Question: Where do horses live?

  Answer: In the neigh-borhood.

  Question: Why are elephants wrinkled?

  Answer: Because they don’t fit on a ironing board!

  Question: What is a cat’s favorite breakfast?

  Answer: Mice krispies

  Question: What is a frog’s favorite year?

  Answer: Leap Year

  Question: What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

  Answer: A Dogwood!

  Question: What is a pirate’s favourite’s fish?

  Answer: A swordfish!

  Question: What is a horse’s favourite sport?

  Answer: Stable tennis!

  Question: Why do pandas like old movies?

  Answer: Because they are black and white.

  Question: How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

  Answer: I don’t know. I didn’t think sheep could knit!

  Question: What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

  Answer: A dino-sore!

  Question: What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

  Answer: Squash!

  Question: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

  Answer: Too many cheetahs.

  Question: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

  Answer: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

  Question: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?

  Answer: To the retail store.

  Question: What has four legs and an arm?

  Answer: A happy pit bull.

  Question: Why is a tree like a dog?

  Answer: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

  Question: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?

  Answer: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

  Question: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?

  Answer: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

  Question: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

  Answer: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

  Question: Why did the turtle cross the road?

  Answer: To get to the Shell station!

  Question: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?

  Answer: To get to the car accident on the other side.

  Question: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?

  Answer: To break on through to the other side.

  Swag.

  Question: Why do birds fly south?

  Answer: Because it's too far to walk.

  Question: Why do hummingbirds hum?

  Answer: Because they don't know the words.

  Question: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?

  Answer: To a crow bar.

  Question: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?

  Answer: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

  Question: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?

  Answer: Look at the orange mama laid.

  Question: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?

  Answer: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

  Question: Why do hens lay eggs?

  Answer: If they dropped them, they'd break.

  Question: Why do seagulls live near the sea?

  Answer: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

  Question: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?

  Answer: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

  Question: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.

  Answer: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

  Question: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

  Answer: The outside.

  Question: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

  Answer: A walkie-talkie, of course.

  Question: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

  Answer: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

  Question: Why did the farmer name his pig ink?

  Answer: Because he kept running out of his pen 

  Question: How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

  Answer: There are footprints in the butter.

   

  Question: Why doesn't the elephant use a computer?

  Answer: Because it is afraid of the mouse!

  Question: What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?

  Answer: Time to fix the fence!

   

  Question: What's grey and goes round and round?

  Answer: An elephant in a washing machine!

   

  Question: What's big and grey and has 16 wheels?

  Answer: An elephant on roller skates!

   

  Question: Why do elephants need trunks?

  Answer: Because they don't have glove compartments!

   

  Question: How does an elephant put his trunk in a crocodile's mouth?

  Answer: VERY carefully!

  Question: What did the banana say to the elephant?

  Answer: Nothing. Bananas can't talk silly!

   

  Question: What do elephants do in the evenings?

  Answer: Watch elevision!

   

  Question: What's grey with red spots?

  Answer: An elephant with the measles!

  Question: Why do chipmunks swim on their back?

  Answer: To keep their nuts dry!

  Question: Why did the chipmunk cross the road?

  Answer: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

  Question: Why was the chipmunk late for work?

  Answer: Traffic was NUTS.

  Question: How many chipmunks does it take to change a light bulb?

  Answer: Actually, none because chipmunks only change bulbs that are NUT broken.

  Question: Why does it take more than one chipmunk to screw in a lightbulb?

  Answer: Because they're so darn stupid!

  Question: Why can't you be friends with a chipmunk?

  Answer: They drive everyone nuts.

  Question: Why do Chip N Dale sit on their butts all day?

  Answer: To keep their nuts dry!

  Question: What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?

  Answer: A chipmunk.

  About The Author

  Matthew Grant is a University student and an aspiring author. He lives in Melbourne, Australia with his mother and sister. Matthew loves writing, studying history and playing Video Games. Other e-books that he has written include the bestselling ‘Ultimate Christmas Joke Book’, ‘150 Totally Fresh Fully Mint School Jokes Bru!’ and ‘Interesting Australian Facts’.

  Learn more about Matthew’s company and his other products at https://daturianpublishing.com/

  Other Books By Matthew Grant

  The Ultimate Christmas Joke Book

  150 Totally Fresh Fully Mint School Jokes Bru!

  Interesting Australian Facts

  The Ultimate Fruit Joke Book For Kids

  One Last Thing...
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  If you enjoyed this book or found it useful I’d be very grateful if you’d post a short review on Amazon. Your support really does make a difference and I read all the reviews personally so I can get your feedback and make this book even better.

  Thanks again for your support!